Marriages Worth Millions Presents:
Nine Principles of Proactive Parenting 
(adapted from Dr. Glenn Latham)

Module Four: The Ability to Clearly Establish and Communicate Your Expectations

Follow these steps to make sure your children perfectly understand the behaviors you expect from them.   You will know for certain that they understand your expectations because they will demonstrate their understanding.

1. Tell your children what you want them to do.
2. Demonstrate to your children what you want them to do.
3. Have the children do it--repeatedly--until you are absolutely sure they know (and can accomplish what you expect. 
4. Give your children the opportunity to practice the behavior that is being taught.  With each successful practice, acknowledge their success both verbally and physically.  A sincere hug is great. 

Here is an example: Billy’s mom wants him to hang up his coat. 

Mom: “Billy, when you take your coat off, I expect you to hang it up in the
           closet.  What do I expect you to do when you take your coat off?"
Billy: “You want me to hang it up in the closet.”
Mom: “That’s right, Billy. Good answer. I expect you to hang it up in the closet. Come
            over here to the closet and I will show you exactly what I expect.”
(After saying this, Mom goes to the closet, takes out Billy’s coat, and puts it on him. Then she takes it off him, puts it on the hanger, and hangs it up.) 
Mom: “Now, you do that, Billy.”
(If Billy performs the task correctly:) 
Mom: “Good. That is exactly correct. You hung your coat up exactly as you are
            expected to do.  Now, put it on again, go outside, come right back in, and
            show me what you are supposed to do with your coat.”
(As Billy performs correctly, Mom acknowledges it).
Mom: ”Very good. You hung up your coat exactly as you are expected to do. That’s
            super.”

Things to remember:

1. Expectations are best taught in the setting you expect the positive behavior to occur.
2. If you need clarification, ask questions and create scenarios or situations, and then invite responses.
3. Do not ask the child, “Do you understand?” as this prompts empty responses.  

At this point in your reading, you are probably thinking, "Yeah, right. My children are totally going to refuse, complaining that I am treating them like babies! 

When this happens, immediately congratulate yourself--this is age-typical behavior, and should be expected! Then, follow these steps:

1. Show compassion and understanding of your child’s feelings by saying something like, “I can understand how you might find this a little annoying.
2. Press your need for further information: “I am sorry if it upsets you, but this is super important to me.”
3. Continue with the expectation-setting steps above.
4. Ignore any sullen, angry, disgusted demeanors.
5. Respond as a highly civilized adult no matter how uncivilized the child behaves. If you remain proactive and on course, it is highly likely your child will eventually come forth with an acceptable response. When they do, positively acknowledge their correct responses!
6. Do not argue, become upset, preach, moralize, resort to logic or reason. Be a courteous bulldog—remain positive, but refuse to be drawn off-task by your child’s negativity.

What if your child becomes so upset he simply won’t co-operate?
Do not try to resolve problems when those involved are emotionally upset. Just say: “Billy, I can see you are really upset by this conversation. Let’s drop it for now and revisit it again when you are more in control of your emotions. Once we’ve thoroughly had this conversation, the privilege of ________ will be yours” (fill in the blank with a privilege logically related to the expectation—this will be taught in Module Five). 

UPNEXT: Module Five-The Ability to Establish and Apply Positive or Negative Consequences for Good and Bad Behavior