Marriages Worth Millions Presents:
Nine Principles of Proactive Parenting 
(adapted from Dr. Glenn Latham)

Module Six: The Ability to Attend to Inappropriate Behavior Unemotionally, Precisely, Directly, and Instructively

Serious behaviors include those which are harmful to property, person, and normal growth and development. Examples include fighting which is likely to harm a child, breaking and destroying things, berating and putting a person down to the point that it affects one’s image of self, demanding unearned privileges, etc. When such behaviors occur, remain calm, and deal with them directly using the Stop-Redirect-Reinforce strategy, as follows:

The Stop-Reinforce-Redirect Strategy: How to Respond to Dangerous Inappropriate Behaviors: 

1. USE COMPASSION, WARM EYES, & A KIND TONE
      a. Calmly stand one and a half to two feet away.
      b. Softly put your hand on child’s shoulder.                
      c. Raise your other hand in a “soft” stop gesture.            
      d. Establish direct eye contact, issuing the command in a firm, matter-of-fact                  tone: "Letting others ____ (identify behavior: hit, pinch, damage property,
          etc.) is not allowed here.”              
      e. Maintain eye contact for another 3 seconds (this invites emotions to calm).
      f.  Redirect the child to an appropriate activity.

    2. If your child resists your direction, DO NOT GET "BLINDED" (distracted from the parenting principle) BY HIS “SMOKE” (resistant behaviors such as “It’s her fault!” “I hate her/your guts!” “You always blame me!” “It’s not fair!” etc).
        Instead,
          a. Use compassion and understanding, and encourage calmness.
          b. Gently put your hand on your child’s back, midway between the shoulder blades
              and the small of the back, and begin walking together in the direction of her
              room or other place designated for calming down.
          c. Guide your child to a quieting space, with gentle hand on back, while saying 
              something like: “You’ll be happier and feel a lot better after you’ve calmed down
              Things can happen that upset us, so take 10 or 15 minutes in your quiet place
              and when you feel better, come back.”
          d. After a few steps in that direction, pat your child, and with a very gentle 
              forward nudge, prompt her to proceed alone to the “think it over area.”  
          e. WELCOME your child back when she is calm, saying, “I’m glad you’re feeling                       better. Would you like to talk about it?” If she does, proceed with empathy and                   understanding, but do not get sucked into a conversation about fault, fairness,
              or how terrible sister is/rules are, etc. And keep the visit short.

See the following example:

Sarah has behaved irresponsibly and has not gotten her assigned chore done.  She had been appropriately instructed about the chore and knew exactly what was to be done, by when, and how well. She also understood the consequences, both positive and negative, for getting the work done or not getting it done. 

Rather than “bug” Sarah repeatedly because she hasn’t gotten the chore done, once the time for getting it done has past, be unemotional, precise, and direct in dealing with that failure to comply. 

Suppose Sarah knows without a doubt that she’s allowed to go with her friends to a movie when her is done by 11:00 Saturday morning. One o’clock comes around and Sarah hasn’t completed her chore, but comes to you for permission to go to the movie.      

You don’t berate her or go into a long sermon in which you remind her about her lack of compliance and how it disappoints you that she didn’t do what she was told. Instead, unemotionally, precisely, and directly say:
   "I’m sorry that you aren’t able to go to the show, and that by not getting your chore
    done by 11:00 you denied yourself that privilege.”        

Of course, Sarah will react.  She will desperately try to strike up an argument. She may question your love for her, or give you all kinds of convincing reasons why she didn’t get her chore done. She will promise you that if she’s able to go to the show, she will get her chore done as soon as she gets home. She may get really angry and tell you what a stupid rule you’ve made, and so on.

Listen to her calmly and empathically, and respond by saying something like, 
   “Yes, I can imagine you’d be upset.  It would have been a lot of fun to have been able to
    go to the show with your friends.”        

Sarah’s anger is likely to become even more intense, as will her criticism and denial. Again, listen to all that junk with a lot of empathy and when she is finished, kindly and gently say: 
   “I can understand you’d be upset, and I am sorry for that.  Nevertheless, it was your
    decision and these are the consequences you have earned.”         

Then look Sarah right in the eyes and, calling her by name, say, 
   "Sarah, this matter is settled.  If you are so upset you are not pleasant to be with, go to
    your room and think it over.”           

If Sarah continues to behave badly and to carry on, remind her that other, more serious consequences will result from her persisting with that behavior.            

But be careful—if you give this reminder, you MUST IMMEDIATELY PUT IT INTO EFFECT.     Otherwise, it is just an idle threat.          

If you don’t want to impose a warning, simply leave the room. Maybe go into your bedroom where you can lock the door.  If Sarah howls and carries on outside, let her have at it. Typically, it will be short-lived, and cease after a few minutes of no response from you. 
      
If your child’s behavior is making you very upset, and you feel you can’t proceed in an unemotional, precise, and direct manner, simply say, 
   "I need a moment to myself. We will discuss this matter later. I’ll be back in fifteen
   minutes.”          

Then leave the room.  In that 15 minutes, the child will have had a chance to cool down, and you will have had a chance to get your thoughts together and be prepared to deal with the matter as it should be. 

UP NEXT: Module Seven-The Ability to Not Question Your Poorly Behaving Children About Their Behavior